Captain Cartwheel

Vigil in Memory of Dr. Tiller
Loring Park
Tuesday, June 2
9pm to 9:30pm

It's been a few years since I walked out the door of the clinic I worked at but there are times that I miss it and wish that I had been a stronger person who could take the incessant hatred that was flung at me for caring about womens' health and choice.  The truth is when I heard about the murder of Dr. Tiller I had an urge to go back and rejoin the women who I served with and the patients whose hands I held. 

I heard through from an old co-worker and even had to be reminded who Dr. Tiller was, it had been a long time since I heard his name.  I was saddened and sickened.  I understand that people have differing opinions on the matter but murder and before that intimidation and terrorism (a term we hear a lot about) is not the answer to the abortion issue. 

My brother sent me an interesting article today and I thought I would share it.  It introduces a new way (new to me) of discussing the violence. It is by Jennifer Pozner and was taken from a listserv publication.

This is an op-ed I wrote in 2006, about the anti-abortion clinic attack that
happened on the 5th anniversary of 9/11, to which the media said: yawn. (Some
of you on the list back in 2006 will remember us discussing this then.)

The terrorists who aren’t in the news
Anti-abortion fanatics spread fear by bombings, murders and assaults, but the
media take little notice
http://www.wimnonline.org/WIMNsVoicesBlog/?p=286
By Jennifer L. Pozner, founder and executive director of Women In Media & News,
a national media analysis, education and advocacy group.

October 8, 2006

On Sept. 11, 2006, the fifth anniversary of the terror attacks that devastated
our nation, a man crashed his car into a building in Davenport, Iowa, hoping to
blow it up and kill himself in the fire.

No national newspaper, magazine or network newscast reported this attempted
suicide bombing, though an AP wire story was available. Cable news (save for
MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann) was silent about this latest act of terrorism in
America.

Had the criminal, David McMenemy, been Arab or Muslim, this would have been
headline news for weeks. But since his target was the Edgerton Women’s Health
Center, rather than, say, a bank or a police station, media have not called
this terrorism - even after three decades of extreme violence by anti-abortion
fanatics, mostly fundamentalist Christians who believe they’re fighting a holy
war.

Since 1977, casualties from this war include seven murders, 17 attempted
murders, three kidnappings, 152 assaults, 305 completed or attempted bombings
and arsons, 375 invasions, 482 stalking incidents, 380 death threats, 618 bomb
threats, 100 acid attacks, and 1,254 acts of vandalism, according to the
National Abortion Federation.

Abortion providers and activists received 77 letters threatening anthrax attacks
before 9/11, yet the media never considered anthrax threats as terrorism until
after 9/11, when such letters were delivered to journalists’ offices and
members of Congress.

MORE THE REST OF THE PIECE, SEE:
http://www.wimnonline.org/WIMNsVoicesBlog/?p=286

Anyway, this article framed the debate and violence in a way I hadn't previously been exposed too, so I thought I would share.  Those that read my thoughts on here regularly (or at least as regularly as I post them) know that I don't typically delve into the controversial arenas - those are typically topics I leave for my brother to write about.  But this is too important and close to me to not mention.  It's not a decision that is made lightly.  I don't care what your beliefs are, I talked to these women, I listened to these women, I held their hands.  It is not a decision that is ever made lightly. 

Thank you Dr. Tiller for helping thousands of women and respecting the option they chose.

I am pleased to say I have been biking to work at least once a week.  My ultimate goal is to bike to and from work 3 times per week but so far one to two times is all I have managed, and the week of the work trip to the Grand Canyon I only made it in once.  That said I think this is the week I will hit three times. 

My biking to work allows me to put in a lot of miles per week and also log some decent workouts.  For instance, in the last 5 days I have logged over 130 miles of biking.  To and from work is 30 miles total - so that's about 90 miles for three work days.  Plus Sunday I had a really windy ride with McEgo and TGood. 

The bad news in my undercarriage was a wee bit sore this morning and my legs were pretty lethargic after yesterday's BRIck workout (42 biking and 8 runnning).  I am actually surprised I am not super sore as that is the longest brick I have done in a very long time and my 'training' has been more like working out at my leisure (still more than most peoples' standard definition of working out I realize). 

The BRIck was an eye opening event for me as to how undertrained I feel, especially considering I have a lengthy race on my docket in two weeks.  I am pretty sure I will finish but I know it won't feel good physically. I have been seriously considering backing out of the race all together but I just haven't come to terms with that yet.  I am not sure if I am trying to prove something, if I'm just masochistic, or if I am clinging to that sense of elation I got as I put on butt butt'r (slang term for Chamois Butt'r) and got geared up to train on the actual race course.  There are only 525 people in this race and there is a decent chance 499 of them will fly passed me on the bike and/or run portion (not to mention swim passed me!)  So I guess the real issue is if my ego will be able to handle finishing at the back of the pack or worse  DNF (Do Not Finish).  I guess we'll see in a few weeks.  

Until then I plan to just keep doing what I'm doing...run when I want to run, bike to and from work and perhaps even consider getting in the open water once before the race...or at least back in the pool once, perhaps twice.  I know I can't 'catch up' on the training I haven't been doing and I am A-OK with that, I like doing what I want, when I want.  It's empowering and I still feel fit...hell I just did a hell of a BRIck yesterday and just feel slightly lethargic.  I take that as a good sign that I am reaching my goal for the summer... to maintain a high level of fitness, maintain a social life and do what I feel like doing, whatever that may be at the time.

Two very different topics but they are both on my mind so you get to suffer through it! 

Last night I was lucky enough to spend the evening with my parents and Easy Rider at the Bruce Springsteen concert.  We had great seats and I loved every moment of it.  I didn't know any of his new stuff - except the title track 'Working on a Dream' - which wasn't really a hinderance at all considering they only played 3 songs off the newest album. 

Even though I was the youngest of my group - and part of the younger cohort in the audience - I have many memories attached to his songs.  I grew up with Springsteen playing in the background and even choreographed a few dances to the Born to Run album back on Catalpa.  The song 'Radio Nowhere' proved to be my theme song at my last job as I sat alone in my office in a secure -i.e. empty- part of the building.  During 'Lonesome Day' and 'The Rising' I fought back tears as they were the main songs that got me through my two stints in physical therapy last year and ultimately IMoo.  'Lonesome Day' in particular got me through much emotional turmoil and many 5:00 a.m. gym visits. 

Which brings me to the Biggest Loser.  I watch it occasionally and do find it inspriing - even though I usually watch it while pigging out on ice cream or other fatty/carbolicious substance.  Tonight was the finale and I ended up watching most of it with Dr. B while I cleaned my apartment.  The thing that never ceases to amazing me is the sheer amount of weight these people have been carrying around.  More than 3 of the contestants lost the equivalent of my entire body weight!  Each one of them basically lost me!  I just cannot imagine carrying that much weight around - and hope to never find out.  That sounds really snide, but it's true, I appreciate my lifestyle and want to maintain it!  I am happy they have found this new success and I also hope they address the underlying issues that undoubtedly played a role in their weight gain originally.

I have a number of friends who have taken on a challenge similar to the Biggest Loser.  They are working their asses off to lose weight, become healthier and partake in their lives more.  They aren't on a reality show, they won't -in all likelihood- win any money for what they are doing, and most are doing it without a full-time trainer yelling at them to keep going.  These are the people that inspire me.  They don't look like 'Joe Athlete' by many standards but if I was picking an All Star Team they would definitely make it for having Heart.  And you know what, I would rather have someone with Heart than a Judgemental Tool who can run fast any damn day of the week. 

To all you plus-ized athletes - trek on. On those lonely moments at the gym know that we're with you in spirit - I recommend The Boss to get you through.

I've been pretty self-interested lately and have neglected to give some much due shout-outs.  Without further delay...

Congratulations are due to Disser and Michelita!  Congrats on your engagement!  Seriously, Michelita have you thought about this?  I mean, I've known that goofball for 27 years and I am pretty sure the scrawny dork grew up into a less scrawny dork.  Just saying...  Congrats!!  (Oh, and if you need an escape plan at a later date you know where I live!)

Congratulations to The Sitz and her beau - also recently engaged!  Congrats! 

And last but most recent, congrats to Bridge and her Climbin'Man.  You guessed it, also engaged! 

I'm noticing a pattern here... add to that two women who I work with who also got engaged (not to each other) and it's a wonder I'm still single!  Apparently I wasn't there the day the Kool-Aid was passed out. 

On a non-engagement front: CONGRATS To Miss Becca (not to be confused with Dr. B) who recently found out she'll be moving to Germany in August for the remainder of the year.  I am super excited for you!  Not sure why you love working with little people so much, but I'm excited it's taking you to Germany.  It's a long way from Kato and it's about time you got out of there!

Congrats to Seabuscuit who qualified for Boston at the Saint Louis Marathon. 

Congrats to Laura Lou and Chris who recently purchased (and began refurbishing) their first home!  I am excited to see the place in September. 

I am sure I forgot some people and accomplishments - not purposefully, just because I don't like you.  Just kidding...

Great weekends don't come around all the time; I was lucky enough to have one this weekend.  Saturday was absolutely gorgeous weather and started out lovely with a 44 mile ride with Dr. B and others.  It was a relatively leisurely pace which was really nice/relaxing way to get in some solid miles.

Saturday afternoon was spent in Yoga Dance Fusion class with my mom and Thork.  It's difficult to describe the class without making it sound silly, if I was watching it performed in a movie I would definitely have been pointing and laughing...but it was relaxing and freeing in a way that even now seems slightly odd.  It was extra cool experiencing this class with my mom.  I wasn't sure if I could be nonjudgmental and just take the class for what is was - being that I tend to giggle at my mom and her dancing on a semi-regular basis.  I now know two things: 1. I get some of my dancing 'skills' from my mom & 2. Dancing is a term that can and should be used rather loosely in most cases.

Saturday night was spent at the Dome watching baseball for the second night in a row (and potentially the last time of the season for me).  It was fun to hang with some training buddies without wearing spandex or smelling extra fresh - although I did run out of deodorant sometime last week and finally got to the store today, so perhaps I did smell a wee bit.

Today I slept in until 8:30 - AMAZING!  Then headed out with McEgo for my first real BRIck workout of the season.  I've done multiple 2-day workouts but this was the first back-to-back.  We did 28 miles biking and 7 miles running.  Congrats McEgo on your longest BRIck ever.  I am actually pretty surprised how well my body handled it - granted I was winded and definitely trying to keep up with him (though he claims I 'set' the pace...FOS McEgo FOS).  But I didn't have GI track issues like I normally do after a faster pace ran than I am used too.  I know both of us were freakin' elated to be done, but it was a really good workout and great weather for it.

Michelita and I took out Guitar Hero (aka Banjo) and Harlington J. Barkington (aka Harley) on a two miles walk as well which I know Harley loved while my feet rebelled.  Oh and managed to work in a DQ trip as well---yummmmm.

Anywhoozle...I am thinking about the travel concept and have a skeleton-like plan in mind.  There are issues to consider, planning to be done but I think it's time to bust out the Italian language CD's and perhaps a trip to Arkansas is in order as suggested by daddYman. 

I beg to differ.  Who ever said beggars can't be choosers was full of shit and was the victim of a 'settling' mentality.  Beggars - and even non-beggars should be choosy.  I'm not so sure how I feel about this whole 'dating' thing.  Being that I've never really dated - let alone had 5 dates in two weeks with two different men - I am on uncertain ground.

1. It's expensive: going out for drinks, apps, meals, etc.  for glorified interviews.

2. Clothes: seriously I don't have enough outfits for dating multiple men.  Nor do I do laundry with enough frequency.

3. Expectations: That whole kiss vs. no kiss or what have you.  It makes good-byes awkward and just makes me dread actually ending the date no matter how embarrassing my constant yawning is.  I'm not a prude but I have no interest in kissing someone unless I feel like it and won't have social norms dictate that I should b/c of the number of times I've gone out with a guy.

4. Chemisty - where the hell is it?!  I enjoy the company of both men I have been seeing but am not sure that the chemisty is there.  Is it supposed to build as people spend more time together? Or is it supposed to be pretty apparent at the beginning?  Every time I have had great chemistry with someone it was intense and quick - and the more that I think about it - it fizzled quickly either by circumstance or personality.

5. Time: Seriously I haven't been home at all this week.  I miss Harley terribly - and have not spent nearly enough time with him.  I haven't gone grocery shopping in two weeks and am down to a half block of cheddar cheese, hot dog buns, and peanut butter.  Yet I've managed to spend most of my grocery money on dinner/drink dates.  Yikes!

One friend told me 'just because there's plenty fish in the sea doesn't mean you have to keep the ones you catch.'

I won't bore you with every characteristic that I desire, but I will tell you one things that I don't want.  I don't want vanilla.  Plain, simple, boring old vanilla has never been my thing.  I want oreos, brownies and sprinkles mashed in - I want travel, excitement, challenging conversations and the unknown.

I have a hard time picturing myself - nearly impossible time really - with a homegrown MN man.  I always sort of felt this way but never really voiced it.  This feeling was reinforced tonight when I went to the Twins game on a double date with one of the guy's sister and her BF.  The girl's BF is from New Zealand, where they met originally.  Not only did he have a great accent but he has done a ton of traveling.  I crave traveling and seeing the world - I haven't done it nearly enough.  I love my family/friends and it would be hard to leave them for long periods of time, but what I am looking for can't be found here...it's just this feeling I have that I really want to trust.

On the plus side the dating is helping me feel more comfortable with myself and talking with virtual strangers.  But that may also be due to a steady supply of Gas-X pre-dates.  =)

That's what I keep telling myself.  Today is the day I will ________ .  And each day I shake my head and make excuses.  It's cyclic, I know this, but at some point I will discover my backbone and stick to my guns.

I sat down and realized I have nothing to say right now.  I've said it all before.  At some point it's about personal responsiblity and actually wanting to make the change.  Perhaps I'll actually get to that point soon.

Okay so here is the thing, I've met two men.  I met them in very different ways - one on match and one through a mutual friend - around the same time.  So now I am on uncommon ground.  Two very different men whom I find interesting and attractive for very different reasons and in different ways AND they both seem interested in me!  Now the tough part... the actual dating part.  I've done my best to actually make time for dating - much to the dismay of Harlington.

Both men are interesting enough for a second date (and yes smart ass anonymous both seem to have good hearts which IS a qualification. =P)  In fact I just got back from a second date with one of the men.  It was enjoyable but I sort of got the impression that he's not that into me.  I can't necessarily pin point why, but it was a differnt vibe than the first date.  This one almost seemed more pressured than the first.  Anyway, I think that if a third date comes about it will need to be an activity date.  Going out for drinks or to eat is too much like an interview after the first time.  Thoughts?

Anyway, I have another date this week with the other guy.

It's odd for me - to be dating or at least having intent to date - two men.  I'm not super comfortable with it, but I guess I do need to figure out which man -if either - I mesh well with.  When it rains, it pours - oh wait.... that's just what I learned on Sunday!

'Like a drowned rat' would have been a nice way to describe me on Sunday.  'Would have looked better after 6 months of decomposition' is more accruate.  Or perhaps focusing not on how I looked or felt, I will focus on being a really really good friend.  Dr. B and I rode the 65 mile route of the Ironman Bike Ride in Lakeville yesterday.  The weather was miserable.  My moods fluxuated but overall I was...hell I still don't know. I rode because I didn't want her to ride alone.  So we rode.

The first 20 miles were actually pretty nice - except for the wind - they flew by with just a few rolling hills and no rain.  Just before pulling into the rest stop at mile 22 it started to drizzle.  Ten minutes later it was an all-out downpour with a side of thunderstorm.  Huge water droplets, mega wind and us on our bikes. Dr. B doesn't like thunderstorms so I humored her with the only positive thing I could think of, trying to ride closer to taller people - just in case.

Mile 45 came and another rest stop.  This time we were near tears for sheer pain in our feet and hands due to the cold, wet conditions.  Ever rider seemed to be taking off their shoes -and assorted other layers - to wring out and then replace on the frozen appendaged.  At mile 45 we lost some riders to the SAG wagons.  I do not blame them.  If the idea of sitting in my cold wet clothes waiting for an open seat was more appealing I would have too.  But after hearing my brother talk about the length of time it took the SAG wagon to return last year I figured it would be faster to ride it.  And it was.

I doubted myself between miles 46-49 when I actually thought "Oh shit, I don't want to die like is. It would be so embarrassing" and "I can't believe how stupid we are" and my favorite "I hope that tighting in my chest and numbess in my arm isn't a heart attack coming, I really don't want to die on this ride."  By mile 60 I could no longer shift easily with my left hand - but we were getting closer every pedal stroke. 

At the end I was glad it was over.  I was even happy for the luke warm water at Lakeville HS as it still felt warm(ish) against my pink, frozen skin.  It was truly an experience...and I managed to stay on my bike the entire time.  Whew.

Well, since no one is actually out there reading this I might as well confess I have started dating again.  To be more accurate, I have started going on first dates again.  No actual second dates yet...I am hoping I eventually evolve into second date material - or more accurately hope the guys I go on first dates with have second date material in them.  You'll be happy to know that I don't detest these dates as much as I have previously.  Granted I still call friends and ask if I reallyhave to go and they remind me that yes this was my idea and yes I should follow through with it.  I am getting better, maybe soon I won't actually need a pep talk before heading out.  Maybe, just maybe I will actually feel genuine excitement to meet these men too.  Now there is a concept!

Tonights coffee date was fun and the guy was really nice.  I know, that is an insult to many men, but he was nice.  He reminded me of my friend Dyson, a great guy with a really good heart that just isn't for me.  But someone I could totally hang out with in a different situation.  Anyway, at least I went.  I gave it a shot.

Afterall, who wouldn't want this Dodge ball hottie!

Sunday afternoon some friends and I played in a dodge ball tourney.  We were the Throw Not Toss Wrenches.  We placed second in the dodge ball tourney but FIRST in the drinking game tournament.  That's right, we play better dodge ball with a few brewskies in us!  It was hella fun but it put me out of commission for nearly three days.  Apparently my body can conquer amazing feats only if it is required to go forward in a straight line.  Add dodging, squatting and throwing and I am spent.  I could barely lift up my right arm on Monday and Tuesdsay was even worse.  I was walking nearly as poorly as I did after my IM!  Craziness I tell you.

Apparently I am having difficulty actually adding the Wrenches picture to the text but it will upload as an attachment - so make sure to check out the pics!