Captain Cartwheel

It started with an honest question from Dr. B on a 7-mile run: What is going on with the man?  You have been quiet as of late.   

Dr. B has a way of knowing what is on my mind and getting me to talk about it whether or not my thoughts are fully formed.  And because she knows me, she waits patiently for my verbal vomit to settle before helping me dissect my words and my meaning. 

I have been mum on the topic because this guy actually mattered to me.  I am not sure how or why he got under my skin, but he did big time.  This man is not vanilla, which was hugely appealing to me and is likely the reason I actually opened up to let him into my life.  Add to that our past, knowing each other in college, he was likely a safer option as he already knew a lot about me – at times more than I would have liked thanks to him knowing my ex.  Apparently men talk too, not just us ladies.  So it goes.

The up-shot a week out from this conversation is that this is not going to form into a relationship in the way I long for one.  I had a hell of a time the last three months, exploring different venues of entertainment, staying out late and sometimes not returning home at all, building a higher tolerance to alcohol, and really putting myself out there.  I took a chance and let myself out of the self-built box.  It was a hell of an experience.  This relationship was a catalyst for me growing, expanding, and learning that I am capable of attaching myself to another person and really feeling. 

Attraction. Athletic ability and desire to move the body. Humor.  Spiritual outlook.  Interests.  It is all there except the butterflies.  He does not feel butterflies for me.  He does not feel that draw to spend all his waking free time with me.  It is hard to hear that, to know that nearly all the puzzle pieces fit and to know that I am still alone. 

Pity party aside this did help me realize some important aspects of myself.  I need someone who feels butterflies for me, someone who can not get me off the mind, and someone who can not wait to share their crazy thoughts/acts with me.  It also solidifies that vanilla is not for me, because I can not fake interest in someone.  I just do not have it in me.

It is difficult to listen to myself, especially when my heart and brain contradict each other, which brings me back to Dr. B's question and the one I posed to her.  How do I differentiate between my wanting someone because they are there and I have been alone so long and my wanting someone because they truly make me happy?  My friend Marc says, it all comes down to how much shit you're willing to shovel.  I would actually prefer not to shovel shit myself, but I get his point.

So he's just not that into me.  Isn't the first time and likely won't be the last.  I feel relief, it is better to know than to have an inkling that something is missing - as much as it sucks to hear or say.  Timing is everything and though our paths may cross again this is not the time.

Contraception is not talked about enough.  Women and the partners that love them are often not aware of their choices – limited though they may be.  This is a topic that I am passionate about and concerns me, so though my audience is probably quite limited I shall use my platform to tell my experience.

I have tried multiple forms of birth control available to women.  If you are not familiar with what those options are here is a brief run down: condoms, pills, patch, ring, depo (the shot), what was formerly called Norplant (small rods surgically inserted into the arm) and the IUD (Mirena & Paraguard).  Norplant was taken off the market a few years back but something similar has just been put back on the market with a few variations – including less rods and a different implantation site on the arm. 

Oh crap, there is that other form of birth control – abstinence.  Yeah, that works well.  Not.  But some people believe in it, so more power to them.  Upshot: Not for me.

Condoms, great in theory if used correctly, properly lubed and every time intercourse takes place.  Not a stand-alone method in my book. 

I really wanted to be a huge fan of the ring (a.k.a. Nuva Ring).  I gave it an honest shot, becoming more familiar with my body than I had ever planned on, enacting my own form of gymnastics in the bathroom as I tried desperately to insert it and keep it in place.  My roommate at the time stood outside the bathroom door laughing as I grunted and cursed and tried like hell to get it in place.  Every time I got it set I would stand up and feel the damn thing poking out of my va-jay-jay.  Not the way it was supposed to happen I assure you.  Turns out I have a retroverted uterus, meaning it is flipped the 'wrong' way compared to most uteri (is that the plural form of uterus?).  Upshot: No ring for me.

I have also tried multiple variations of the birth control pill.  The pill is the method most are familiar with, and the method I used the longest.  I was frustrated with the pill for a few reasons.  The main being I was admittedly crappy about taking it every day around the same time.  Perhaps I picked a bad time of day, but I struggled to remember it regularly.  That would not be a problem if I was only using it to regulate my period rather than to prevent pregnancy, however life circumstances change and with that comes different priorities. 

Second, my system is touchy when it comes to hormones.  When I first started the pill I would have severe mood swings, to the point of literally wanting to hurt myself.  I switched pills multiple times to find the best combination of hormones for me, to keep me safe and sane.  I still had mood swings on the pill I settled on, but not nearly as threatening as the initial attempts. 

In being honest with me, I know I was at risk of an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy; scary to admit, but honest and practical.  Birth control is about being in control of my body, my choices and what I want out of life.  If men could get pregnant there would be hundreds of safe, effective birth control methods and they would likely be hella cheap.  Granted I could get better at taking the pill but I am not willing to test my learning curve when it comes to pregnancy.  I could get the shot but I do not want the weight gain and mood swings that are associated with it.  I do not want a patch on my skin where everyone can see.  I just want reliable, cost-effective and controllable.  

Over the last couple of weeks I have had many conversations with friends who have IUDs (intrauterine device).  I have known about this method since before I worked at Planned Parenthood but I had always shied away from the idea because one of main criteria is being in a long-term monogamous relationship.  Now if that is not a limiting standard I do not know what is.  The only long term, monogamous relationship I have been a part of the last 5 years is with myself.  Does that count? 

The reasoning behind it has to do with limiting the exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.  Cool, I get that, however how many people do you know who have had long-term monogamous relationships that turned out to be less than monogamous?  I refuse to believe I can not use a highly effective form of birth control because I am not in such a relationship.

After talking to Dr. B and friends who swear by their IUD, I decided it was for me.  So today, I took off work, went to the doctor and asked to have the Mirena IUD implanted.  I went in mentally and physically prepared – taking a large dose of Advil in preparation for the cramping I would feel.  Women who have never been pregnant tend to have more cramping and discomfort during this process than women who have had babies.  My cervix has never been dilated before today – and I can safely say I do not want to have it dilated again anytime soon. 

That said it actually was not terrible.  I cracked jokes part of the time, as it is how I deal with awkward situations.  For example, when the doctor moved the extra large surgical lamp into position beyond my stirrup-bound legs, I asked her if a plane was going to be landing in my vagina.  Turns out the little speculum lamps that are preferred were all in use, so alas my vagina could be viewed from space if only there were a skylight! 

The doctor placed the speculum and she began dilating my cervix (yes, you really get to read this) which introduced a brand new-to-me pressure sensation.  She asked how I was doing as my body obviously tensed.  Being me, I was honest with her and told her that the pressure I was feeling made me feel like I had to fart.  Nothing like making her feel welcome between my legs!  I had this funny image of me shouting 'Fire in the hole!' and her diving out of the way, knocking over the procedure cart, which made me laugh and the tooting sensation passed. 

I felt a little more pinching and discomfort when she placed the actual device, but then it was over.  The doctor removed the speculum and the ole va-jay-jay sighed with relief.  Then the easy part came, lying on the bed in an empty room with my who-ha hanging out for another 5-10 minutes while my body settled.  This was actually interesting because at one point I could actually feel things 'settling' like when you realize your foot is no longer asleep and it just feels like a foot again?  It was odd.  It was almost like in Yoga when the instructor says, 'breathe into the tight places of your body to relax them' and you try it only to realize you have no idea what the hell he is talking about.  Well, this time I could actually feel that and it was like 'holy hell who knew I could feel that while just hanging out on a table with a ridiculously large lamp overhead!?'

I was told to expect cramping throughout the first day or two and some spotting.  I was prepared for the worst but it has not come yet.  I feel relatively normal.  A little bloated and icky because I am spotting and cannot use a tampon for a day or two, BOO.  So all of a sudden I am back in the 8th grade walking around with a diaper between my legs, making crinkly sounds with every step.  Super.  I keep reminding myself that it is a small price to pay for up to 5 years of peace of mind. 

So there you have it folks, my IUD and me. 

If you are a mother or a father of a girl or soon-to-be teen, please talk to her about her options.  The conversation will be weird for both of you I guarantee it, but it is important.  If you are a woman and on a method you do not like because someone told you it was the only option, get a second opinion.  Women have choices – albeit rather limited ones – and it is important to find the correct method.  That method will vary for everyone, I know friends who absolutely LOVE the ring, or their pills, or whatever method they are on.  It can take some time and it may take some experimentation, but a woman knowing she is in control of her body, her choices, and her life is worth the awkward conversations.  It will be way less awkward than the 'oops, I never meant for this to happen' conversation that many have to have.  

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to JABBOUR!

Happy Birthday to you!

This last weekend was fantastically fun and totally deterioriating for me.  It started on Friday night when I went out with my girls for some shopping and a movie.  I owe a huge thanks - HUGE - to Dana - my shopping sherpa.  She helped over-haul my wardrobe and made the experience actually fun!  I can't believe how fast the cart filled with potential items or how little amount of time it took to try everything on and weed out the yes/nos.  Seriously, shopping is her thing!

Saturday morning I had nothing to do - nothing!  It was amazing!  I slept in (granted that was only until 8 a.m. but I woke up without an alarm so I was happy!), went for a run with Dr. B, had lunch with my man friend and helped him paint his living room wall.  I attempted a nap before heading to work but I failed miserably.  

Here's where the schedule picked up.  I worked from 4-7, went to see a concert (Michael Franti is awesome!) with Hiromi - though we didn't sit together b/c we bought seats at different times.  The concert ended at 11:30, so I dropped of Hiromi and picked up Dr. B to head to a party, hung out at the party until 4:45 a.m. and then headed home.  Got home, washed my face, changed clothes, reapplied mascara and headed out the door to work (again) by 6:30 a.m.  Standing beside my bed at 5:30 a.m. and not being able to fall into it was a terrible feeling, 'me so tired.'   I got home from work at 11:45 a.m. on Sunday, took a hot shower and fell asleep for 18 out of the next 20 hours.

Yes, that's right, I didn't go to bed.  I make this sounds like a whirlwind night, and it was.  I cannot believe all the things I packed into those 28 hours.  It was awesome, I had so much fun. 

Fun comes with a high payment.  I was completely exhausted.  I not only slept for a ton when I got home, I also had a complete breakdown during the two hours I was awake in the evening and cried myself to sleep - I was completely empty.  And felt completely alone - which in itself was crazy considering how many people I'd just hung out with!  Sleep deprivation does weird things to the self.

I don't feel completely recuperated yet, I had a long work day which definitely wore me down some more.  I don't feel as crazy as I did last night, I am definitely more in control but still sleepy.  I'm thinking it's time to put the blog away and head to bed for more zzzzzz's. 

I totally thought I'd posted that picture correctly but apparently it's not showing up when the post is live.  LAME!  It's a lovely picture of the Beachbound Bostonians on Hampton Beach in New Hampshire.  Disser and I are still working out the kinks with the website - like the lack of spell check (I know, I'm a terrible speller, I apologize) and posting pictures correctly. 

I had a really long day today, which I will get to in a moment, but when I got home I watched a video that was sent to me with the disclaimer "Not for work."  And holy sh!t did my day get a whole lot funnier.  I'm totally going to link to it but here's my 4 part disclaimer disclaimer:

1.  Not for everyone - adult theme is apparent in the title and it just gets funnier (raunchier) from there.
2.  There's no judgement here on my part - other than it's a fricken funny video - so don't make judgements on yours.
3.  If you do watch it, you may have to watch it more than once, and I'd recommend hitting the bathroom before opening hte link.
4. Do not watch at work or in a professional setting, unless of course your profession is sexual in nature in which case it would probably be Kosher there.  Just saying...

Funny Video link that should not be watched at work.

Ok, back to my regularly scheduled rant.  I had a weird emotionally annoying day.  Why you ask?  I'm a woman and everyone knows we women are suseptible to bat shit crazy disease (BSCD) every now and again (or more often depending on the candidate in question).  Today just happened to be my day to get the BSCD.  It's been a while since I published my internal monologue but I think it's time to resurrect the old practice.

5:10 a.m.

Me: Damn, grunt, WTF? Oh yeah...I was going to swim this morning.  Frick.

BSCD ME: guys, guys, guys, guys.  What? Seriously? No email?  What the hell?  It's been 7 hours since I went to bed and I have nothing new in my inbox?  WTF why am I being ignored?

Me: Too early, must find food, brush teeth

BSCD Me: Seriously - why the hell would someone say they wanted to get back in touch after blowing me off if they obviously had no intention of replying the instant I wrote them?

----

Me: Holy sh!t, getting in the freezing cold water at 5:45 a.m. is the worst 15 seconds of my day!

BSCD Me: FRICK! It's cold!

Me: Just keep swimming...

BSCD Me: Seriously? No call, no text, no voicemail? WTF?  Why am I freaking out? Why can't I stop freaking out?  Oh crap this is how high maintenance women freak out!  I'm don't want to be that girl! HOLY SH!T I'm THAT girl.  Nooooo!

----

Me: Ok, I have a ton to do, time to focus.

BSCD Me: Check your phone...you know you want to.  Do it.  Do it.  DO it!  DAMN IT, nothing. 

-----

Ok, you get the point.  These BSCD days are not my best days.  This too shall pass and soon I shall be my normal(ish) self - until next month...

And we're back!  Er...I'm back in town.  Being that I went alone and returned alone there's no we to it.  So maybe I should start again...And I'm back!

I had a hell of a trip.  My cheeks actually hurt from laughing so much.  It was a great crew of 12 people to spend 48 whirlwind hours in two 15-passenger vans with while running/driving through New Hampshire.  Not to mention the gorgeous scenery - New England is breathtaking at this time of year. 

Back to real life; back to work.  It's always a hard transition to make, but I did get back into the grind today.  The next two weeks will be really work-intensive but I think I have a few fun things thrown in. 

I headed back into the climbing gym tonight with Michelita - it felt really good to be back on the wall.  It's going to be a while until I build my hand strength back up, but I'll get there.

Beachbound Bostonians (plus 2 Californians and 1 Minnesotan)

CONGRATS to my newest IM peeps!  Becca, Sean and Dana had great races and all finished with smiles -albeit slightly disoriented and delirious ones.  Last weekend was a blast and completely taxing emotionally.  I had so much nervous energy FOR them that I did a 12.5 mile run on Friday and a 7 mile run on Saturday while they did their IM prep. 

I absolutely loved cheering for the athletes.  I also volunteered as body marker so I got to write on a lot of really nice bodies.  I know - it's difficult to be me.  I was born to body mark and cheer on athletes.  Go TEAM!

I got back Monday and was completely spent.  I know the athletes were tired but I was worn down.  I got enough groceries to last me two days and then came home to take a 45 min bubble bath while listening to the Mama Mia soundtrack.  It was refreshing and eased my tired spirit.

I spent two very long days working, attempting to catch up and get slightly ahead before I leave town again tomorrow.  I'm headed to Boston in the morning to meet up with Laura Lou and Team G.  We'll then be driving to New Hampshire to do Reach the Beach.  I am so excited, and not even remotely prepared for how tired I will be when I return on Sunday.  I've been warned of two rules for the van we'll be in: 1. No sleeping.  2. No flatulence.  I can guarantee you Laura Lou and I will be breaking one of those rules... and if you know me at all you can probably guess which one it is.  =)

A big, huge, ginormous thank you to Mom and Chop for taking care of Harley the last two weeks.  Life has been really busy - in a good way - and I couldn't do it without their consistent support and assistance with Harlington J Barkington III.  I miss you Bear!  Thank you!

Now to sleep...

Alex held a Pasta Party tonight in honor of the Iron-hopefuls.  A huge crowd turned out to celebrate the crew and wish them well.  It was exciting to see them all mingle, nerves and excitement intertwined so closely. 

Dr. B and I leave on Thursday for Madtown.  She to become an Ironman.  Me to continue in my role as Iron Sherpa.  I cannot believe it is here and at the same time I can't believe it took so damn long to get here.  I will desperately miss my early morning workouts with Dr. B but I know she is looking forward to sleeping in and getting back to living her life sans IM training.

No matter the outcome I hope everyone arrives at their destination without injury and happy with the journey they embarked on over one year ago.

Ciao.

I know, I know it's been a wee bit since my last post.  Like everyone else I have been busy and though I've been journaling a lot I haven't been doing so publicly. 

I have a new person in my life, well honestly not new perhaps re-introduced is a better description.  I knew him a long time ago when I was a different person and just recently became reaquainted.  I'm not really interested in sharing much about him, just that he's a chill, cool cat and we've been spending time together.  We both have extremely busy schedules so spending time together usually means lack of sleep and tired days. 

Anyway, I'm not sure what 'this' is but its fun and has potential but putting it in a tidy box with a label affixed doesn't seem prudent at this point.  Which in all honesty is kind of difficult for me b/c I tend to like labels and tidy descriptions.  Or more accurately labels, although claustrophobic and stiffling, are warm and cozy when I am in unknown territory.  The funny thing is I tend to shun societal labels in many respects, but when it comes to emotional risk and putting myself out there I cling to the known and safe - and lonely - territory I am well versed in. 

So there you have it, I'm putting myself out there, not sure where that will take me but great things don't happen sitting at home watching TV and hoping for change.  So here goes nothing.

The doc opted out of testing me for mono...apparently residents are more conservative than established docs, as my doc wanted me to wait until Day 10 of symptoms before drawing my blood.  On the upside my throat is hurting less and I am feeling more like myself.  Hopefully I will keep improving. 

Tomorrow Laura Lou arrives!  I am very excited!